Jeffrey-------------Smile

Today I had four voice mail messages which were in my inbox after school today...I don't know who's number any of them could possibly be, but again, weirdness has stricken my life.

Chronologically...
First: A bunch of scratching noises around static for roughly thirty seconds. At one point it also sounds like someone is picking up and putting down the phone.
Second: A quiet beeping noise. That's it.
Third: Over five minutes (I stopped listening after that) of nothing but static and wind.
Fourth: Hey, uh, Shiloh, this is Jefferey...Someone called me from your phone and I just wanted to see if everything was alright and if you were okay. Call meif you need anything, alright? Bye.

I don't know anyone named Jeffrey, nor has anyone with that name had my phone number or mine theres.
...I'm hesitant about calling.
I want to just ignore it, weird as it is. Doing nothing can be the best option, yeah?

In addition to this...I recieved an email from some random, and I assume spambot, address. The title was "SMILE!!! GOD LOVES YOU!!!"
I knew it wasn't a good idea to open it, but I have a Mac so I figured I may as well check it out. Weirder things have been happening.

Attached was this image.

What I found

Again, I found this in my container of photo paper and developed it right away.



Looks...Kind of like a pinhole because of how warped and round it looks...

It bugs me...anyone want to tell me what they think?

Edit: There are no cuts on my left arm. Nor do I remember any.
The only record of that is my last blog post.
.  .  .
I'm gonna go lie down.

Alaadin

I woke up today and got ready to go to music lessons.

It's tuesday.

I don't remember anything since going to sleep Friday night. I woke up with cuts all over my left arm and my oft-used camera was completely smashed.

I should've kept up with my journal and things.

I took the roll of film to school today and immediately developed it. All of the negatives were totally foggy (I remembered the lightblocker this time)except for one, a picture of some dirt or something. I went to print it anyway, but when I opened up my container of photopaper, a small slip of it fell out. It looked like the size of the paper we use for the pinhole camera (which I've never used before and have NO CLUE how to do so)

So I developed the print and what I got is...Well, I'll post it later. I don't feel like bothering with my scanner right now. That's not what bothers me though. What bothers me are these cuts.

Have I been hurting myself? That's the only thing that could've happened, I think. All of the cuts are about the different distances apart and are pretty thin slashes across. I've been pretty down lately, but I'm not suicidal.
Did something bad happen this weekend? I don't want to tell my Parents I forgot again...I don't want to tell anyone but you guys. I don't want people worrying about me and submitting me to more stupid tests.

Worst of all, my sweet, dear camera is completely busted.

I just don't know what to do with myself.

Nothing like yesterday

Today was awful.
Nothing bad happened, I just feel awful. I don't know, maybe it's the fact that my only "talent" in this world is viewed as pretencious and just for people who can't do "real" art.

I don't know what else to say. I could rant on but I know you guys don't want to hear that. Update on my health? Sure. I'm totally fine. mostly. No memory gaps, no nothing. The stress is coming back, but I don't think I'm going to regress.

But I've apparently (according to my brother) been sleep talking.

That's annoying.

I feel really sad, but I don't really have anyone irl that can comfort me about it. I have no shoulders to lean on, and it's not like I can just be like this with my parents.

I don't know what to do something.

...Again, should've started with "Dear Livejournal,"

In Love

I'll probably never be just a "normal" type of kid again.

But if things keep up like this, if I can have more days like today, maybe I won't have to.

You don't see with your eyes, You perceive with your mind.

That last post was pretty horrible.

I talked to my lovely shrink again (her name is Doctor Summers and she is way hot xp) and basically what she had to say was my mind is playing awful tricks on me, and I'm not taking my medicine as directed, and I'm under a lot of stress (photography deadlines rrrgh) I told her about this blog and she said that things like this make me feel as though I need something to report, and that it can make you subconciously exaggerate situations or even making you start seeing or feeling things that aren't there.

In my case, it's seeing things.

So...I'm not gonna post for a bit. For the good of my health! When I'm better I'll come and say hi and start posting again.

It's not like Shannon is here anyway.

I'll still be on skype and checking my email, though.

Ciao~

,.,,.///

It's happening again. I keep dreaming, and I keep waking up.

They keep moving.
Someone is here.
Please, please let me be insane...Please don't tell me this stuff is actually happening to me.

Huddled in the corner of my bed, cowering in fear...I can't stop shaking. Eyes fixed firmly on the door...

Picture.

...They moved again.
Let's...ignore that. *Inhale* I'm just gonna do that.

Anyways, I developed the analog film on wednesday and...my god I'm such an idiot. I forgot to put in the lightblockers and ruined almost every freaking picture.
Stupid stupid...

Only three pictures on the negatives survived unscathed. (Keep in mind I don't remember taking any of the pictures that were on these rolls of film) One was just a picture of some trees in what seems like Millenium Park. Another was a picture of my friend Ryan in front of a fountain. And the third...I took to the darkroom and printed it because...it interested me.

Here it is:

Anyone know what this is? It kinda bugs me...I've never seen that sculpture before in all the hundreds of times I've been downtown. Any ideas? Comments?
...It's actually a pretty good picture! I should enter it in a contest.
A creepy contest.
It just...looks at me.

Eerie.

Neither Here, Nor There...

Today was a day. I'm trying not to talk like everything in my life is one big strange occurance, but lately...I don't know, maybe I'm just getting paranoid from all the stuff going on with my memory. The medication...I don't know. So for some reason,a rail outside (Y'know, like the ones on steps?) was mind blowingly hot and I scalded all of the fingertips on my left hand. I need those for guitar! It's like every day I wake up and I keep getting worse. I'm trying to ignore the fact that I might actually be being driven insane by something or another but...When I woke up this morning...Well, let my start this as a new paragraph.

I have a couple of Megazords in my possesion. Y'know...those big combination robots from powerrangers? I have some of the big toys from my youth and they decorate my room because they look amazing. I haven't touched them in YEARS though. This morning they were all on my desk. I asked my parents and my brother if they moved them at all, but they said they hadn't been in my room since I went to bed.

Did I move them? Did I just...forget?

I want to say "On the lighter side" and talk about my romantic endeavors but I'm too messed up.

I'm scared, guys.
I don't know what to do about anything. Is this what it's like to be crazy?

Should've started with..."Dear Livejournal..."

By the way JAB...I'm a guy, yes. You're not the first person to make the mistake, though.

Nuts! I almost forgot, I talked to Shannon! She hasn't been on because...well, I don't know. She just kinda shrugged me off on that.
She seems okay though. Glad somebody is!

Losing

Behind her today, on my way home from school, I finally worked up the courage to say something.
And then out of nowhere, her Mom(I assume it was her mom) popped out and started talking to her. ...So I had to keep on walking.

This is getting REALLY frustrating. It's bad enough feeling like I'm a stalker, but...come on. I get zero chances to ever get any of this right! Bad situations...why have I got to be so damn shy?

So, being the angsty emo teen I am, I sighed to myself and turned the corner.

And then I was sitting at home.

I lost about an hour. I don't remember anything from between turning that corner and being here about twenty minutes ago.

Going to the doctor again when my Dad gets home...

I hate this. Throw me a bone, God.

The Journal, and the Blog

Today I was writing in my journal (guess which female I mentioned in that writing!)

Then I realized that it would've made a good blog post. But perhaps, not so.
So, in my journal, I'm just going to strictly write the days activities, and I'll put my feelings in here...

So how am I feeling? Besides constantly wobbly legs, I'm still afraid of waking up and forgetting my name. Sometimes, when I'm out shooting photos, I get these sudden headaches. According to my blog, I had posted about a headache during the week I can't remember, so that's what's so scary about it! Maybe it's something in the air. I still haven't gotten a chance to develop the pictures I took during that week.

The for lack of a better word, shitty, part of doing manual film is that I can't post anything I don't print! But I'll try to print anything cool I find so I can show you guys!

...It...makes me feel anxious. Just a little bit.

Something Important, I Can't Remember...

I spent all of last night in the hospital having tests done.
...Thankfully, it looks like nothing is wrong with me...
I took the day off of school to go see a psychiatrist who's supposedly really good in the memory department...We talked for a while and he asked me if before the gap in my memory, I was under a lot of stress. I told him the only stress I was under was about a girl, I don't think he took anything from it. He came to the conclusion that it's either a phenomenon and will probably never happen again, or I'm repressing those days for a reason. My parents, nor myself or any of my friends were able to provide much useful information about what I was doing for those few days.

His concern was that this may happen again. So he recommended having a journal to write my daily exploits in, and also said to look into getting on the service Twitter, to help me keep track of what I'm doing were another bout of amnesia to occur. So...That's what I'm doing.

twitter.com/realshiloh

Feel free to follow me and see the boring things that I'm doing...


, , ,

I'm still scared about this whole thing. What did I DO!?!? I'm gonna talk to everyone...

On the lighter side...I took a lot of good pictures during my lapse of memory. Really cool pics of buildings and street scenes!
Aw man...I still gotta talk to her. Hopefully she doesn't think I'm a total weirdo.

You can never know what someone is thinking. Jump in with both feet. Don't leave room for regrets.

Oh, and JAB, thanks for your concern..it means a lot. I should be fine. :D